A handleable me (copies start pg 156)

Oh, I got the point

Not me--

What

Not me, one to get the point

()Pause)

If I exposed myself to something like sunlight, then I can huff and puff into a more congenial arena

Oh? And who's doing the handling

I take my pick

Giving the reins to whoever siezes the reins, means no more priority catagorizations

(From a chest)

Let's use this napkin

Where did that come from

Let's just speak of local phenomenon

Of course

That's a deliberate choice

Of course

(Pause)

Well, I'm wiping my hands--

(Does, drops)

No, don't pick it up. Let it lie there reminding us of a whole trajectory of ideas

Well done

Try again

What

Handle me

Oh no.

(exit)

Thank youThis ' thing' I persue, is not nameable

Everything is nameable

Not this thing

Now wait a minute. Whatever it is-- you sit down, give it a name.

Not this thing

Why not

(Pause)

You can't. . .say at any one moment-- Ah, here it is in front of me.

You can still think up a name

But you don't know where to put the name, so that it adheres, even momentarily, to this thing I'm persuing

What is this thing

I can't say

Then it isn't

Right, but I sense it's out there

What

This. . .thing

Don't worry. I believe in the efficacy of false starts

Is that true?

Of course it's true

(Pause, shift)

I notice you shift in your chair

I wasn't even thinking about it

I thought it was, maybe, to demonstrate your thesis

How would it do that

A false start

If it demonstrated anything, it deomnstrated the opposite of my thesis

How is that

(Pause) I moved. I finished moving

. . .Yes. It seemed very expressive

How

I can't put my finger on it

I noticed your mouth is moving

Yes

That's very expressive

Well, I'm talking

No, just the movement. I'm not paying any attention to the talking.

But you seem to be having a conversation with me so you must be paying attention to the talk.

(Pause)

Come on now, answer

Have I been doing that all along?

Well, sort of

How sort of

Well, it's as if you've been talking but, purposely trying to miss the point

I can't put my finger on it

Right

(Pause)

False starts

I see what you mean

Careful

What

You're missing the point

I can't point my finger at it

Ah, that's better

(Pause)

Where were we ?

I don't know

Notice how I shift in my chair? What does that express.

Nothing

Ah, you miss the point

Well done

What

(Other thinks, starts)

No, don't say anything. I'm just-- savoring the momentAre you dressed like God?

Certainly not

I always thought, maybe that would be the way God dressed

I'm just trying to be impressive

Well, here's another way to be exciting

This never worksDid you erase it

What

I think your original idea was your best idea

I've had so many. I put them in this mix-master. Then you can say many, less than you can say tomorrow, or something like tomorrow.

I changed my mind, unless what I meant was, I changed my idea

Don't trust it. Or me.

Here's a more scanable way to think about the aberant behavior you called-- what-- behavior?You think I care about this stuff? Not me

What stuff

You know what I'm talking about

How am I supposed to know

It's all around

In the air

How am I supposed to knowLet's start with the basics. You've lost the ability to have feelings

Not true

Oh, you can respond with major emotion to major trauma. But I'm talking about something different.

what

Feelings

About what

Feelings about things that normally don't give one feelings

Why should I have feelings about things like that

Because you've lost the ability.

(Pause)

No I haven't. I can have feelings I don't even know I'm having

Really?

Yes.But-- nothing's here

Right

When I left, I left a room full of furniture

When you left

Yes

Did you leave?

Yes

(Pause)

Shall I do an imitation?

Why

To prove I left

It doesn;t

I haven't done it yet

Frightened?

Not at all.Here's the reason number one that I don't say it

Don't say what

Shh

(Pause)

Can't you hear it russling in the wilderness?>

Here is no wilderness, but a furnished room

Sparcely furnished

Yes

Is that on purpose

You tell me

Oh, there are certain and particular things I don't wal to tell you

(Pause)

Let me write you a check

For what

Guess

That means I can use it however I like

As soon as it's cashed

How about a complete set of furniture for this room

What are you leaving out?

(Pause)

Well, the appropriate human beingsNo matter how hard I try, I can't think of you as different than what you are

That eludes me. What I mean is, that is elusive to me

Take a memo

Am I your memo taker?

How good a memory do you have

It's never been tested

Let's sit in these chairs

(Both try, one falls)

See? One of us did and one of us didn't

(repeat and reverse)

Now, who's memory is whose?

Everything about you has to be re-considered.

* * *

Was my chair missing

When

When I fell. . .

When I fell down

Count me out

Where was I

When

When I fell

Count me out My head spins.

(Pause)

My head falls down

How can a head fall down if a head has no legs

Well, let's correct that

How

Let's give it a pair of legs

(Pause)

Do you mind if I walk over to that side of the room?

By all means

I just meant in my imagination

Oh? Does that count?

Time will tell

Ah, time will tell

Yes.

Can I die to this, please

I hope that doesn't happen

Why

(Pause)

I don't want you to be one up on me

That's my choice

Yes

Let's both sit

Well. . .OK

(Pause)

Here it is

What

I was waiting for this picture to come to life. (A lion?)

Here's the way I hold a lion, if I should have one

You mean a lion-- like an animal

Yes-- don't distract me from my demonstration

(Holds table leg)

This is an accomplishment

You surprise me

Why

I thought you'd say-- weel, you're just holding a table leg-- that wouldn't work if it was a lion

There are none

What

Here

Lions?

Yes

Then HERE isn't appropriate

What could be more appropriate than here, since it's always here

That's YOUR prison, that's not my prison

Oh? Try that door

(Door, exit)

Am I surprised. I thought it was locked.

Is this a real table?

Of course

Wrong

(Pause)

Can't you see? It's a table that fails to live up to being a table

Maybe you mean, it doesn't do all the things a table is capable of doing

Does it

No. For instance, it isn't being used as something to put heavy packages on

Very good

(Pause)

So we agree, it's not a real table

It could be

--Could be is just another possibility that one can chose to dream about. The fact is, it isn't a real table. You look at it and you start shaking. Mentally at least

I hadn't noticed.

I noticed immediately. You mentally tremble

I always do that

I don't know about always. I know about right now

(Pause, a while back packages were placed on the table)

Right. Those are packages

I didn't say anything.

Not everything has to be registered in language

That's true.

Are there a lot of those things

What

Tables

(Pause)

The multitude of them is scattered in different locations

Didn't I mean packages?

You had the chance to mean whatever you wanted to mean

I think I'll use this table for putting things onto it that are whatever I choose

The things

Yes

Yes. As long as they aren't so heavy or so big as to be inappropriate

OKI'd like to critique my own life

Go right ahead

I think it's brilliant

That's your subjective impression

It's a failure

Right. It's a failureHere's what I have to do. I have to cut my life into smaller and smaller pieces

Why

If I make the pieces, each piece, small enough-- then each piece is brilliant. It's only when I allow the pieces to be bigger-- that my life takes on it's usual mediocre aspect.

Then it's a question of punctuation

Yes

A life properly punctuated

--No. That's wrong

What do you mean then?

Forget it.What piece of the world is interesting to me? I tell you not.

There is no piece opf the world that is interesting to me. Only the whole world interests me. Only when everything is included in one experience that is everything at once

How can you experience everything in one experience

I don't know

You don't know

I really don't know

But that's the only thing that is interesting to you

Yes

How do you know

I know

But how do you know

I can't explain how I know, I can just say that I know

I don't have to believe you of course

No. You don't have to believe me

I'm not saying whether I do or do not. I'm not committing myself

That in itself is interesting.

What?What I want to have, is a powerful drug experience without taking a drug

Things are put together in a certain way. I just want them to be put together in a different way

A follows B

Don't you mean B follows A?

But B could be inside A. Does that mean it could be skipped?

What else can be skipped

It's like that thing from physics

What thing

Suppose, just suppose

Could I have more of a surprise than I'm having?

(Pause)

Who invented cereal

In boxes?

(Pause)

Anyway. Here's the thing from physics. An electron can be in certain orbits around a nuculas. And it can jum from one to another orbit. But it can't be in between. There is no transition. There's just being in A or B or C-- but there's no way the electron can be between A and B when it's moving from A to be

So?

(Pause)

Do I look satisfied with myself?I'm on a rare drug

What does it do

Nothing

OK. Then it's not much of a drug

Wrong

How come

It's powerful

(Pause)

I'd say by definition, if it doesn't do anything , it's not

That's it's powerfulness

To have no effect?

(Pause)

It has a big effect

What

It doesn't do anything

(Pause)

Then I've achieved the same effect without drugs

Wrong. That's where you are wrongHere's a drug. See? It says 'drink me'

Ah. I've already had some

When

. . .I can't remember

Then maybe you didn't

I did

When

I'm convinced. Isn't that proof?

What

I'm convinced

What are the effects?

Oh, it changes everything

What

You name it

It changes you

But I didn't take it

But I did

I don't believe you

(Enter with cake "eat me")

Can you read what it says?

Yes

Eat me

I read it

(Pause)

Then you read it

What does it do

You tell me

(Pause)

Nothing

Right. What's it like

What

In that other universe

There's no communication possible

That's what I thought

I mean, there's communication on certain subjects, but those are all the important ones

What a lot of bullshit

That's what I deliver.

(Pause)

It's interesting

Yes

So?

Continue to be interesting

I don't know how long this drug takes to wear off

The one I took

Which

The one I took

Which of many

Oh, I didn't take different ones

All the same?

(Pause)

Sure

That's bullshit

That's what I deliverWhat drug are you on

It's so powerful, I can't name it. What drug are you on

I'm from another planet

No you're not

(Pause)

If you are, here you are, so it's no longer true

(Pause(

What drug are you on

I don't know

Is it powerful

How could I tell

I don't think you should depend on MY criteriaLook, I believe this table is solid

So do I

No, I REALLY believe it. So I'm more delusional than you're delusional

What do you mean when you say you REALLY believe it

Look. There are a lot of questions that can't be answered, so when you ask a question like that--

(Pause)

Yes?

Go ahead. Ask another

(Pause)

Ask what drug am I on

Am I asking you or asking myself

I'm on a very powerful drug

(Pause)

What are its effects

Nothing

(Pause)

That's its power

(Payse)

I sense what you're getting at, but I certainly couldn't explain it

Vise-versa. --No, don't carry that any further. Just let it lie there.

(Pause)

What drug am I on. See? I'm asking myself that questionI don't think I sould take this drug

Why not

It's too powerful

Is that the real reason

Why do you think you shouldn't

(Pause)

It'll counteract itself

I don't get it

See? It's having the effect I predicted

What

Contradicting itself

You didn't take it

I predicted that

(Pause)

Then it's a very predictable drug. Is that power?

I think it just wiped out a considerable number of catagories

(Pause)

Try it

You don't have to say try it-- I unavoidably try it

Yes, but-- try it.This is where I like it

What

Could I ask-- how did you get to be so God-like

I didn't know

Well, it's perceptable to my eyes only

God like. Well

See? The way you say 'well' and nod your head

The way I say 'well' and nod my head

The way you do that

Nod my head

And say 'well'

Well" (nods)

It was involentary

(One kneels before master)

Trash. What you bring me is trash

What do I bring you?

(Pause)

Ah, I won't fall into that trap, young man

I bring you myself. I agree. Trash

No-- you don't bring me yourself

(Pause)

If I find out a way to bring you myself, would I bring you trash

How can I know, since you don't bring me yourself

(Pause)

Then I'll just stay in front of you for a long time in an attitude of supplication

(P. Master down and on knees also, another in)

What do you know. It looks like the master's chair is empty. I think I'll take his place

(Sits, holds head in pain, falls. others rise)

It was just an act

You had me fooled

I don't believe it

When I say something, believe it

(Pause)

Get me a drink

(Both do, present, master drinks both)

What a slob you are, master

Well-- it's doubly hard to be elegent when what you bring me is such trash

Let me ask you a question

Yes?

Would you rather be the rfevealed perfect master, or the president of the United States

I don't have to choose. I'm both

(enter)

Mr President, these are for you

What have we here

Files relevent to proposals to rearrange the layout of White House furniture

Well, I'll cerrainly be looking at that. Very soon. Very soon .

This is it

What

This is it. We're here

Who is we

No-- say "we're here'

We're here

We're here!

*********

Why this effort to make something be here, in full 3-dimentional reality

OK. I'm going to tell you what I know about myself. I'm going to pull it up from the depths: right into this 3-dimentional reality-- which of course, doesn't exist

This is it

(Pause)

We're here! We're here! We're here!How many of us does it take to change things completely.

Answer. One person is enough

If I went crazy, all my problems would be solved because I'd be in limbo-- but here's the thing. You'rs also! I'd take care of that. Because-- this is the shock to your electrical system-- because, mine is the only universe. Yours-- doesn't exist.

What part of the universe doesn't exist? Those parts that are not my parts.

Now-- to prove the efficacy of my cure, I will now act-- well, non-insane. I will compose myself. Done. I return, or seem to, to the human race!!!Would you rather see, or hear

Would you rather hear the truth, or see --the surface of something that hides the truth.

(Lights up)

This hides the truth, which does not mean it does not conform to the truth. But in conforming to the truth it hides the truthEverything I say is connected to the truth.

That's obvious, since everything anybody says of does or anything anybody can see--

Hold it

No. Anything whatsovere is CONNECTED to the truth

That's just not true

It's true

No it isn't

(Pause)

Well, we have an area of disagreement

()ause)

Let's see if we can find another area of disagreement

That shouldn't be hard

(Pause)

It's harder than you think

Is it?

(Pause)

Maybe you're rightDo you understandf everything I'm going to tell you?

(Pause)

Yes

Why do you say yes before I've said everything I'm going to tell you

(Pause)

I believe I'm going to understand everything you're going to tell me

(Pause)

Then I'm challenged to say something inexplicable

Why?

(Pause)

Look at it this way. If you understand everything I tell you, there was no need of saying it

Maybe I don't agree

Ah, you like hearing things that are no particular challenge

I like acquiring new information

(Pause)

Do you like puzzles?

If I can understand them

(Pause)

I don't understand

(Pause)

I understand that you don't understand

If you can understand my puzzle, is it a puzzle

(Pause)

Yes

How

I don't understand

Then you were wrong

Yes

(Pause)

Then it's lucky I'm here

Yes

Speaking

YesThe issue is-- do you understand the deep structure of my personality

Of course not. You're talking about something that doesn't exist

Suppose I made it exist

How could you do that

Well-- can we agree that if it existed, it wouldn't be reradily available, like a block of wood you could hold in your hand and study.

(Pause)

I guess I agree to that

So the deep structure of my personality is something to, at best, intuit

Maybe

Wait a minute-- therte's no room for maybe in this arena

Ah, I just proved you wrong. professor

Well-- maybe

(Pause) We think alike

Now THAT'S a real discovery

It just came to me

I, on the other hand, never depend on intuition alone. If I go to that extremity, what might I extract

Don't let me think about this-- let me trust my first mental response

(Pause)

See what I mean? We think alike

I thought that was MY mental idea

I've made it my own. But don't worry. I've had lots of this kind of experienceOh professor, are we in limbo?

I have no way of knowing

Yet you cultivate very different gardens

Did you know that

Yes

Did you see that cultivation being cultivated

(Pause)

This is something in the realm of mental construction.Write-- not to forget "get organized" for instance

What about thoughts that one needn't remember? Well, let's try not forgetting (writing) those.

Then

Write to create a 'not-forget' that never existed

Try putting this 'invrention' into the not forgetting realm

Have thoughst ONLY to add to this realm

IE to CHANGE what it is to 'be' (human?)This is to change what it is to be; human. Or top change from human being to being something else. That's what this is all about.

Self-evolution.

The Universe wants tro grow.

It's expansion is one way.

The flung out . . .(the cast out), returns and re-builds as part of the universe.

At this moment.

At this stage of my life, I am less than the universe.

I am not plugged into all, or even the most important levels.

I am a cast out, or down, or fallen, being.

But I want to go to work on that sad fact. Whatever I do from now on-- think of that as being at work on that sad fact-- OK?

OK..

This business of giving birth to a new idea is very painful. Needless to say, more often than not, the idea is stillborn.

An idea lurks, and does not, finally, emerge.

Is this one of those instances?

I didn't know I was going to be cross examined

(Pause)

Please. Try to pull something valuable out of me!

(Pause)

I don't know how

Apply some kind of psychic pressure. You don't have to say anything. You just have to will it

Telepathically?

You don't have to give a name to it

OK. I'll just use my imagination

(sits)

(Pause)

Thank you for thinking evil thoughts about me

Is that what's happening?

You tell me.

(Pause)

Well?

Tell me.This is it

What

This is it. We're here

Who is 'we'

No-- say 'We're here"

We're here

We're hereWhy this effort to make something be here, in full three-dimentional reality

OK. I'm going to tell you what I know about myself. I'm going to pull it, up from the depths; right into this three dimentional reality-- which of course, doesn't exist

This is it

(Pause)

We're here! ` We're here! We're here!How many of us does it take to change things completely.

Answer: one person is enough

If I went crazy, all my problems would be solved because I'd be in limbo-- but here's the thing.

Yours also-- I'd take care of that.

Because-- this is the shock to your electrical system--

Because, mine is the only universe. Yours-- doesn't exist.

What part of the universe doesn't exist? Those parts that are not my parts.

Now-- to prove the effecacy of my cure, I will not act, well-- non insane. I will compse myself. Done,

I return, or seem to, to the human race.Can I really know anything? Or is it just a mythic approximation

(other enter. )

What's wrong?

What got me into this room

The door

Does it open only one way?

I don't understand.

It seems to me I shouldn't be chained to this thing

. . .This is not in fact my place of business

What do you do here.

I have no idea. How did I get here

The information should be in that envelope I see in your pocket

Where did that come from

I don't know. You must have had it when you came in the door.

That doesn't explain how I got chained to this thing

Maybe you should sit on it

. . .Now. Don't you feel better?

Yes. No, maybe

Do you have an orders for me

You don't want to look what's in the envelope

Not reallyNow-- it's evening. And I'm looking at a certain quality of the light fading. But a bulb is on in the room

What's out there

Nothing much. A certain quality of light. That's enough for me.

(Sjhe off light in room)

Why did you do that

So you would enjoy the atmosphere--

You don't understand. You've landed me in the banal. It was the mixing of the two lights-- that's what was so . . .pregnent.

Then I'll turn it back on

Please

(done)

Now I vibrate

(Pause)

What good is looking out a window, if the place from which you're looking, doesn't lay it's own claim on one's psyvche

(Pause)

I didn't want to spoil things

I know

(She exits)This is not something you find fascinating, but it is

_____________________

What's your problem

I have no problem

The energy: which denies energy

The form which denies form

Why do such ideas ravish me?

And am I therefore thrown onto history's scrap heap?

This isn't my way of doing things.Why should I believe something I can't verify

My facial expression isn't enough?

I've known facial expressions that were very convincing.

Suppose a man I'd never even seen before said "I can help you realize the dreams of a lifetime. Should I believe him?

Probably not

Remember

Remember what?

I've never seen him before

Why should you believe something you can't verify

Should his facial expression be enough?

(Pause)

I've had that experience

What happened-- no. Don't tell me.If I breathe very rapidly indeed, I can expect-- no, wait a minute. I don't mean breathe rapidly, I mean something else that is rapid

If it bounces back and forth inside the skull--

I bet it does

What

I can see that kind of agitation inside yours

What is it

Something inside the breathing

What is it

I don't know

I can't say

(Pause)

Let's just assume that the reason we have to be at a loss is because we are at a lossDid you really recognize me from previous experience?

I did not

Hey-- let's cool out

What does that mean?

_ _ _ _ _ _

Let's say I went into a bar and saw you sitting at a table, and sat down next to you

Did you really.

And let's say you forced me to drink

How could I do that

(Pause)

Would I recognize you later?

I don't think anybody could force you to drink

Is the power of suggestion was strong enough

How strong

So so

Well, in that case let's make an experiment

Let's say-- I am one very cool customer

Then you wouldn't drink

Oh, but I might drink this if the lable really appealed to me

Do you trust everything you read?

Let's just suppose the label said "I am very good to drink"

Try it

You said you were suggestable

I picked up other suggestions from other times and places

Can I follow

(Pause)

I don't think you can stay in one place long enough to discover it's not the place you thought it was that was the place you were when you were in it.Somehow, if the head expands in that direction--

What direction, show me

I think you picked up on a quivering finger

I did not, please

Why say please

Because I'm so polite, even when faced with somebody in emotional distress

Is that a good time to be polite?

Probably the best

No, probably is an idea who's time never comes

Look-- don't quiver to show me how much I quiver

Could I please, excuse myself into a more visionary mode

I know that was an easy choice

In other words-- you go in one direction, and I go in another direction totally

I didn't want to realy be closed off from my own mental paraphenalia

That will never happen as long as we are really good friends.To believe in myself, I have to toss caution to the wind, I suppose

Was that my idea?

Did I say that was my idea?

Let's see if you believe in yourself

(Pause)

I don't know how to toss caution to the wind. I don't have the propensity to that kind of violence

Oh no, it isn't violence that's required

Then I really don't understand

Get undressed

Now?

Yes

(Pause)

Well, there's a kind of arogance in that too, isn't there

That must be your idea, because it certainly isn't my idea

Wait a minute. I mistook you for somebody else

How is that possible?

I don't mean to be insulting

(Pause)

Well, my heart is broken

Why

I think that's a desirable condition

Why

(Pause)

It produces a kind of lucidity

A broken heart?

Yes

I don't even want to know about it

Don't worry

See-- that's the volcano I was talking about

(Pause)

OK. I believe in myself

I thought so

Thanks to you

Tossing caution to the wind?

Yes

(Pause)

I sense it

Good/

I pick up the vibrations

GoodI was not there, aparently, in spite of my beautiful memories

But you were here-- this is where we originally met

I don't see myself in that photograph

Of course not. You took the photograph. You were standing behind the camera, which isn't visib;le in the photograph either

I should have pointed it toward a mirror

(Pause)

That didn't interest you

Why didn't it

(Pause)

Obviously, it wasn't a mirror that attracted your attention, but the beautiful vista

(Pause)

At the time, it's true, I knew it was beautiful, but I wasn't enjoying myself

Why not

Practical considerations were tormenting me. My emotional life was in upheaval.

Is it now?

Relatively

Relative to what

(Pause)

I suspect that here, right now, I am surrounded by equal magic, but that doesn't redeem my current experience

Find a mirrir

It would have to be a very powerful mirror

What defines the power of a mirror

Its invisibleness

(Pause)

Then maybe, it's already here

(Pause)

I'm sure that's right

Touch it

I can't

Why

(Pause)

I don't know why, but I can'tSuppose. Just suppose I make a demand on myself. Try to psyche out life.

Why

Ah, he's trying to say-- why doesn't he just live it. But the answer is, if I just live it and don't try to psyche it out, it seems to go dead on me

Why

I don't know why. I just know I have to try to psyche it out. It's a matter of sheer desperation

Is it really

It is

What are the results so far of trying to psyche it out

Well, I haven't succeeded in psyching it out

But have you made any progress

Oh yes

Tell me

I can't get my thoughts in order, but I've made progress

Am I supposed to take that on faith?

Yes and no

What do you mean yes and no

I mean in one sense it isn't going to matter very much whether or not you believe me when I say I've made progrerss. But in another sense, maybe I do care, because if I can't give you even a hint, that means maybe my feelings are fooling me

What feelings

The feeling I've made progress in psyching it out

(Pause)

Look-- here are my fingers-- how come there aren't more of them

How come

(Pause)

If there weren't five of them, I wouldn't be a normal human being, would I

I don't think the number of fingers is central

Oh, I'd be ok, but still, I wouldn't be normal

In a sense

How many do you have

Five

You're normal

In some ways

***********

What's the connection between my fingers and something else

What

I don't know. Pick something

This table

Legs

Five legs-- the table has four

Ah, that's what makes it a table

Some have three

Yes, but that's a different kind of table, a three-legged table. Pick something else--

I don't think we've exhausted the subject at hand

See?

What

You used the word hand. So there's a connection after all

(Pause)

I can tell you're feeling better

Yes. I moved just a tiny bit forward in trying to psyche something out

What

Life

Oh, I forgot about that

Me too, for a minute or two, but then I swerved back into the major arena of my concern

Life

Life. My heart beats faster, almost a kind of panic-- but after all, a lots at stake, at least for someone of my psychological complexity, a very great deal is at stakeHere's a new way to think about life

(Pause)

I'm waiting

Oh, didn't I make myself clear

Not yet

But you have faith in my ability

Not really

Well, I see you haven't left the room

No, I haven't

--Notice what I just said?

When

I said-- well, you haven't left the room. In my book, that says it all. Or maybe I should have said-- well, you haven't left the room YET. That's the hinge, the pivot point. I can say at every moment, look for the hinge. Look for the pivot point.

(pivot--s)Let me show you something

What

--Did I promise?

Yes

I did not

Implicitly

But wait a minute. I needed your permission

You have it

You mean I had it all along

Yes.

(Pause)

Suppose I want to show you something, but I don't know what

I think that's impossible. You'd have to know what it was.

No, everything I've said up to now should have explained -- well explain isn't the right word. But you should be able to intuit why I am DRIVEN to say I am DRIVEN by the need to show you something, but I don't know what that something is, or was.

My whole method of presentation should make that self-evident.

The universe, pivots on God.

It's a part that doesn't turn

that doesn't move.

The singular point on which everything else that is

is whirled into activity.

But the still point at the center

-- each attempt to locate it requires greater and greater concentration upon that point

until that point

tinies itself, into non-existence.

The non-existent point that does not vanish

or move

about which all else pivots.

Now-- this passionate interaction between us, this whirl of feeling, also, or rather-- in concert with everything else in our lives, is a pivoting around this non-existent, yet. . .ultimate, holy point.

And where is this central, holy location?

I'd have to dive deep into my heart to locate that point.

Not necessarily. Any. . .chosen object, inside you or outside you, is the potential 'gate', through which we could pass in order to arrive at that location behind all locations. That is to say-- a point that doesn't exist: all powerful

The heart

That vase

The heart

That vase has an interiour quite as distant as the center of your own, private heart

Oh no, it's quite empty

Which

(Pause)

I see your point

Not at all; is not the emptiness you have to plunge into-- or rather-- that's not the final destination. The destination is-- a further realm-- a point inside the emptiness, and then inside that, and inside that, continually

It sounds like music

(Pause, sing "Get your coat, and get your hat" etc)I can't help thinking, a stort begun and dropped mid-way,

makes no sense in the sense of --why begin

but then

plunging a little more deeply into the relevent matter,

I begin-- glimmer--

to sense that the real fact, the ( involving ) fact in the sense of a desirable self (turbluence ),

is that very fact of stopping mid-way, of letting things finish half way into the whole plan of things because half way -- escape routes are illuminated and it's those escape routes that are the arrived at thing in a story or anything else

But when that same story or anything else is really finished, those very same escape routes turn re-invisible. So: stay here

Where's my escape route?

Oh, in some other direction, of course

Well then, I'll just stay here to think about it. I mean-- not think, but you know-- something close to that.

Reaching a point closer to the end of my life, this life no longer seems of great interest.

At least to the extent that, unlike previously, words no longer seem to me designed to effectively cut into the world as it is.

So have the words themselves gone soft, or has the world become so porus in my consciousness that words are absorbed by the world--

no longer to strike the ecsatatic spark that heretofore was excited when dense word collided with brillian, multifacuted world.

At any event, this collaboration over as either or both world and word lose brilliant articulation, my consciousness seens orietnted to something beyond the world.

A realm where softness, where the gentle yeild of complete potentiality, are alone enthroned.

Words there, each word, bleeds into all other words.

One searches, therefore, for the nourishing sound that is the word that is all words, the soft thud of the unpronounceable word that in absorbant.

The sponge word

Up til now my words were hammers. Now they are bags of water formed from a porus material that holds nothing.

Words erased by being spoken

Brooms sweeping emotiness

Is this a dictionary?

Sorry, I don't have the strength to open it.If the world becomes totally unrepresentable, is that me falling out of the picture?

I don't think so, because if I fall out of the picture I think that means the picture couldn't hold me, and the fault therefore is as much a fault of the picture as a fault of mine.

Where in my body do I feel most weak

I know I feel weak all over, but where most.

(Pause)

Oh well-- There. Outside me. The world

(Open to vista, dummy falls, dragged down into room.

On it's back a handle, so it's moved as a suitcase is moved) (4 phono on floor. Think pyramid frame, one leg on each phono. Turned on, falls)

Did the experiment work

It wasn't an experiment

What was it

Well, it was something to re-invigorate me

Did it work

Yes

What was it. Food for thought?

Then what was it

(Pause)

It was something that had to be done, in the sense that, if it wasn't, I would have experienced a frustration I wouldn't have been able to identify as such, but it would have gone to work inside me.

Something would have been unfulfilled

Could it be repeated

Yes.

(Pause. done)

I'm walking a thin line here.The connectives detached. But I don't want to repeat on this

What connectives

Shut up.

Why shut up

(Pause)

Are we talking about one of these typical experiences when the consciousness seems to separate off from the body

Shut up

At least you still have the energy to say shut up

____________________

Suppose I have no available subject matterI went into the room where amazing people gathered

I was not visible to myself in my experiences. This was the cross I bore.

Launching myself into a certain language, I immediately rfealized the inappropriateness of my choice

Careful, carefulMy brain has been damaged by my life. That's why I'm not a good conversationalist

What do you mean, your brain has been damaged

Life has twisted it out of shape

But you don't seem stupid

Oh I am, believe me

I should tell you that my arogance is misplaced

Let me see if I can jandle that

Are you really ready to offend me?

That's not it

What

That's not what I had in mind.I'm not the person I thought I was

Let's just say I decoded to see the darkness, where other people see the light

What does this mean?

Let's just say-- I refuse to allow my own angst to be extended into the more normal and trite angst of others when confronted with a delima that's only half recognized as such

Are you banishing me to some neather region

I am. I did

I know you have that power

I do. Do I?

Is this a trick?

What

When you question yourself in front of me, I say to myself-- is this a trick?

Come closer

Why

Si I can bash you

I would rather not do this

(Pause)

Is it you, who will bash-- me?

Suppose, just suppose, I assumed the mantle of one who understopod very well, the rules of this particular game

Try to confuse me

I may not be up to that

But try, because he who tries, finds all is lost, and immediately, the weather improves

I do notice-- an internal sun is shining

I know you didn't like this life too much, so I fugured out a way to just ease into another

I hardly noticed

In this life-- what we eat for mealtime is milk and honey

Is that healthy

I didn't think so.

Except --what could be healthier than slow death; except --sudden death

OK. I agree to climb onto any bandwagon making a genuine appearance

This is something I can't talk about

Why not

I've been pre-empted

By who

It's not a who

What is it that has pre-empted

--It's the sound of my own voice

I thought I recognized that

You did? Then I was right, my friend-- you do indeed lead me into the promised land

I shall be able to tell you what I hide in my suitcase

When will this be

When I have opened my suitcase

When will this be

I can't open it without the strength to open it, and I can't open it because it is so strongly sealed that it resists me

Then you are not able to tell me what you hide

But I will be abvle to tell you when I open this

But you haven't the strength

(Pause)

Are you implying that with the passage of time you will have such required strength

No, I do not imagine so

That is the truth

Yes, that is the truth as I see it

(Pause) --That is then, the truth of this suitcase

My point exactly

(Pause, to drawer) --Here's the key

Thank you

Perhaps I won't open it just yet

That's fine with me

Is it?

. . .I can hardly answer otherwise.Getting off on the right foot means false beginnings. At least in my case, because I have no place to go

Don't be silly, I've seen you burning up the landscape

Really? These four walls are a totality in and of themselves

By landscape, I meant something else

So do I, when I say-- here we are at last

What's the reversal

It's not a reversal. When all of a sudden, a path forks in twelve different directions-- is that a reversal?

I'd like to be able to answer yes

Ah-- simplification in the face of a simplification you never learned to recognize

I didn't know I was supposed to be wearing my hat of recognition--

-- that's a reversal

Doesn't everybody want to be recognized? Everything under the sun-- except of course there are some placed where sunlight doesn't reach. Or should I say-- the first thing that cries out for recognition training is the thing by which one is able to perform the act of recognition

Sunlight?

That's your name for it

After all, I too have been burned

(Pause)

I too have been burnedHis hat burned, after it was dropped

I burn my hat, because in fact, I had dropped itWhy was I afraid to personify myself in confronting this perfect mirror-- the world

This is interesting. Why were you afraid to personfiy yourself, in confronting this perfect mirror. The world.The opening into the transparent realm.

You, I say.

You, you, you, you

Look into the next room to see the person who I believe is truly beautiful

It is true. But I do not believe the person is as beautiful as you believe she is beautiful

Why is that

(Pause)

It is true, now that I remember again, she is beautiful

Yes. She is truly beautiful

(Both sink to floor. Stretched out)

Why are you both on the floor

We have seen the beautiful woman

Who is that

The woman in the next room

(Looks)

Nobody's there

Then we must have been mistakem

How could you be mistaken about such an amazing thing

This is not something that can be answered

(Bell. Over phone)

Your boat is ready for delivery

There's a problem. My boat is ready for delivery, but it will never fit into this relatively small room

Then you have no choice but to refuse delivery

(into phone)

I'm sorry, but I have to refuse delivery at this time

(Hang up)

Don't feel too sad about this-- we can improvise

Nono-- if it's not the real thing I'm not interested

(Enter, masked, wings?)

Who's this

Don't you realize? This is the beautiful woman we saw in the next room

Can we verify this?

Don't touch her

(Pause)

I think that's true. We mustn't touch her

Then we have no real idea--

Oh, I think we do

(Pause)

I think it was a sign, that there was an attempt to deliver the boat

Are you really sure we shouldn't attempt some kind of mock-up?

How would you go about that

(Pause)

We'd pile all the furniture in the middle of the room

That wouldn't amount to much

(Pause)

We'd set it on fire

And risk burning down the entire house?

It might be worth it

Look-- she's leaving

(She stops. Pause)

Could we--

No, you still don't have permission

(Goes to desk)

What are you doing?

I'm going to write something down

What

The date

What's the date

Jesus-- I have no idea

Isn't that a little unusual?

Yes. Usually I know the date

Pick a number at random

No thank you. If the date is un-identifable, let's accept that as reality

I'm amazed you agree to something that's so out of character

I fugured it out

What

I'm surrounded by amazing people

Yes. But which one

(He gets coat)

Hesitating? (He goes. Woman in)

I'd say you're attractive. But your beauty does not overwhelm me

Look again

What do you mean-- look away and then look back a second time?

See? You can't take your eyes off me

(Returns) --Look who's here

Oh course. It's the woman who was in the next room

Right. The one you found amazingly beautiful

I still do (Goes into next room)

Where are you going?

I'm putting away my coat

I hope he's not going to do something foolish

Like what

(Returns)

Don't think I've changed my mind. I still find you amazingly beautiful

Oh, I don't think so

(She turns back to us? mount to throne? (Pause, others stagger)

Oh my God, she's amazingly beautiful

(Music rises, all fall)

I've always been afraid to show my face, out of a terrible fear the outer reality that is me would prove to be but a poor immitation of the inner reality. Or vice versa. . . . In fact, the world is doubly unfair to me. And I take my revenge through pure evil

This is not true

This is true

Multiply it by a hundred times, and it's true. Again and again and again, the world has been unfair to me

I love you

Do you love me for who I am

I love you

It's not enough

What would be enough

That's for both you, and me-- to find out

________________________________________

DON't back me into your favorite corner

I wouldn't dream of it

Ah, that made it happen

What did

Forcing me to face up to reality

How did I do that

(Looks off, then back)

On one level or another-- refusal

Music to my ears, of course

Your refusal, not mine

Of course. That's why it's so enjoyable

OK. Back me into your favorite corner

Now there is a whole new set of possibilities

I'd rather know you than get to know you

What's the difference

You don't seriously want to know

Why not

--See? Would you admit-- you've just been backed into a corner?

(Pause)

After a suitable period of ravishing reminiscence, I suddenly realize how important it is to be totally disconnected from all nostalgia, all my most beautiful memories. So I am now ready for anything, really. Purged of all normal, emotional pre-conditioning

I love you

I was waiting to hear that. But now that it's happened, I can truly say, it's like the experience of talking to myself

I love you

Are we being equally sincere?

I'm sure. . .that we are being . . .equally sincere

(Both exit)Remember. I am your kind of person

Why should I believe that

No-- that's not the point. You don't have to believe something that just 'happens'. Because if it happens, what happens goes into its own song and dance and has results for which no particular person can claim responsibility

Why should I believe you

Hey-- are my words going in one ear and out the other?If that's true, it's a dedtermination that you, are not my kind of person

I wonder what your pulse rate is right now

I think my pulse rate is quite normal

Then that proves it

What

I'm your kind of person after all.

Have you ever noticed.

Life is full of lunges that go no-where.

Lunges towards ideas that dissipate; towards actions that are abandoned, towards possibilities dropped.

Then, occasionally, one thrust into idea or action or possibility does

complete itself, and is answered by the world. You get a response, every once in a while, that does change things for you and for your life.

But contrary to what you may believe, that response, that interaction and entering into life's flow-- that is not what gives your life its richness. No, that is in fact a deflection into the falsity of life on earth, which is a false thing.

You may not find this easy to accept, but I say that this is the failure to arrive at the impass-- that impass that holds the key.

The key to what.

Tragedy knows this impass. Comedy knows this impass also. This stumbling, this short circut, alone holds the key

The key to what

To the door that leads away from the the illusion that is this life in this fallen universe.

The way to God, that is no key for that leads you to God, which is another level of this univ erse.

Even death, that is no key, for that leads you back into the universe as you are transformed into a nothing that is also but another level of this universe.

But only, continual impass, continual frustration, the meaningless gesture that never comes to fruition-- that alone is a true connection to the particular meaningfullness that is a human being as opposed to all other things that belong to this universe.

Radically opposed.

I know this is a hard pill to swallow, but that is what I know and all I can know.

And that difficult knowledge, is the bitter medecine that cures.

Cures what?

It cures of the attachment to that universe which is postulated by my consciousness, which is an error,

the revealing of which

that error of consciousness--

Wait a minute. This is a hall of mirrors.

Yes.

But I can't opt out of it.

Right

I can only-- you know

--Yes, I know.

Just watch.

(Both put on mirror heads)

I shall speak in such a way that nothing is effected

If that's your desire, I don't understand why you speak

Don't speak to me

I was doing no such thing

(Pause)

What was the weight, therefore, of my words

Your words had no weight of intention, but the weight of material things

True. And I shall not allow this to happen

(Pause)

When does one testify to the disappearing act

After the fact

(Pause)

OK. I've disappeared

Are you talking about something that belongs to you?

Well-- partially I'm talking about words I've spoken

Weights

Now they have no weight

Ah, but suppose I remember them

(Pause)

I can't answer. Therefore, weightlessness

My next gesture might be provoked by words that have disappeared, so have they?

Optical illusions are allowed to exist

(Holds up hand)

How many fingers have I

Five

(Hides)

Now how many

None

Which case was the illusion

(Pause)

Yes. I see

Did somebody just put a blindfold over both eyes?

Not that I could see

Have I stopped talking?

Not that I heard

What is this weight on us

(Pause)

I no longer knowWhat am I supposed to do with this life. It's been given to me, to hold for a while.

Then either it disappears, or I disappear

(Pause)

Here, blow into my hands.

It's gone

My disappearing act is as powerful as possible

Yes-- you make everything disappear

That's wrong

How so?

I make nothing disappear

Then your disappearing act is not powerful

Guess again

(Pause)

I see

You do not see either my effort, or my results, and thereby I have achieved my power.This does not work.

(Pause)

There seem to be only negative reasons to go on livingI shall not question you. I shall only-- lift my hand when you approach

Is this to ward off a blow

Not at all

To embrace me

(Pause)

Instead, imagine a gesture that expresses something inside me that hasn't yet travelled to the consciousness, but still speaks

You do seem to know things

Ah, your mirror-ability recognizes such things inside meDance with me

I have previously committed myself

Is it my defective memory?

Never depend on memory-- it knows language instead of impulse

Which tules

Nothing rules. One is continually changing into the otherThis is my dogThe contradictions of my life can either be, through force, welded into some impenetrable whole-- of they can tear me apart.

You'd rather see the former?

No. I didn't say that

(Pause)

Let me show you what I can do to this table

(Hits it)

It didn't split

That's what we call a strong table

However--

(Puts table upside down)

Should we assume we have to cohere to this. IE> We could go upside down also.The rose.

I devote everything to the rose. It hovers in front of me.

It drifts across my field of vision in imaginary tunneling--

Continue

I'm talking nonsense

Nonsense?

(Pause)

There are important things--

Ah, you have no time for the important things

Correct

(Gets a rose)

Is this an example of your perfect rose

I didn't say perfect

What is it if not perfect

(Pause)

Let's assume that here in this room, we are in the geometric center, so defined, of the city of the rose. (In side a railing, French apt building)

This is your room, sir

Excuse me. But where's the bed

This is the bed, sir

(Pause)

It doesn't look like a bed

It's the bed

But it doesn't look like a bed

Well, let's put it this way. What does it look like

It looks like the building I'm inside of right now

__________________

What's my life about.

Wait a minute-- what's your life about. It's all the same

Except--I got a handle on it, which means I got a handle on nothing

Then you don't got a handle on it

Believe me. I got a handle on it

What do you got a handle on

(Pause)

Nothing. But there's a quiver and a quake that has no name to it. I have a handle on that

On what

On the quiver and quake that has no name to it

OK?

OK.I want to do nothing

I want to be nothing

I want to achieve nothing, and experience nothing. This is all very difficult

(Pause)

I am surrounded by distraction. Even the blood in my veins is a distraction.

Who knows why, but it is

I don't believe in your protestations--

Nothing.

It's all in nothing

There is no big climax.

It's a life of nothing.

It's not crossing the atlantic ocean in a wheel barrel, because that's a distraction.

That leads down the road of glamor and the road of glamor, believe it or not, is a dead end

I don't believe it

You don't believe it

No.

Who's talking.Am I doing the speaking?

Well, before you started--

What

There was silence

That's not what I asked

What

(Pause)

Am I doing the speaking

Now-- yes

Now> What other occasions were you considering

None, really

Then you're trying to confuse me

Not at all

Am I doing the speaking

Well, you and I both

I wonder

In alternation

That's part of it

Yes, I should think so

-- Wait a minute-- that's part of it, means that's not all of it

Yes

Then we agree

We agree

(Pause)

What I mean was-- a moment like now. Am I doing the speaking?

Who else

Yes. Who else. . .One thing you can be sure of. The transformation is continual

Of what

That's just it. One thing is continually turning into something else. Which means-- what that one thing consisted of was different. Something else first, and that in turn-- something else first. So the what, is totally everything. So a piece of everything is continuall;y undergoing transformation into everything, which it always was.

(Pause)

Is this clear to you?

(Pause)

Like everything else, this is clear to me

I believe that

It makes me feel good that you believe that.

I knew it would, which is why I said-- I believe that.

But do you believe it?

Yes. I do.

I guess I'll never stop trying to figure it out

What

(Pause) I guess I'll never stop trying to figure it out. Let me correct that. I guess I'll never stop trying to give it a shape that figures it out. Or makes it have a shape such that I don't have to figure it out

What

Is that your favorite word

Not at all

I think it is

It's a word that expresses my frustration

What.Am I incoherent? Am I semi-coherent?

Why would anybody want to be incoherent to any degree

Ah, you psyched that out

What

The desirability of the incoherent

I said the opposite

You had the reverse in mind, that's undeniable

You mistake me for something I am not

How can I avoid that

By asking me a few good questions

Wrong. The answers are always food for my imagination

Suppose I offer silence. Or, for instance, the back of my head as I walk out of the roomWhan all plans come to naught. Then if I'm not in my element, what am I in?

I see you thrashing about--

Now wait a minute. I wonder if thats your imagination of my imagination

If you hadn't said 'wait a minute', I wouldn't have had time to answerYou don't shine, so I reject you

I try to shine

How.

------------

This is the book of no usefulness. Full of memories and ideas that help no one. That serve no one.

For instance . . .I am not here.

But I see you. --Oh wait a minute, you mean your inner self.

You mean. . .the extention of you that is your unconscious, etc, etc

Are you here in front of me

Look at the space around you. Where am I

There.How would you describe me, doctor.

That's not my role

Ah, you're playing a role

No. I'm playing no role. In fact, I actively reject all role playingh

Am I supposed to do the same thing

You're supposed to do, what you do

(Pause)

That's why I questioned you

That's why I didn't answer

(Pause)

By the way. I'm not a doctor

What do you mean

I'm not a doctor

Are you hiding from me?

Should I leave the room?

That's for me to know and you to find out

(Pause)

Perhaps I am a doctor after all

I thought so

I was implying you shouldn't jump to conclusions

I'll follow your example

Please don't do that

Isn't imitation the sincerest form of flattery?

I must have fallen down on the job

How

Making you think I was out to be flattered

It was my idea

Hold on a minute--nothing is your idea!

(Pause)

You are very powerful

That's the way I see you

I seeYou have a treat for me

I'm sorry, but these are my scrambled eggs

Oh well, I can watch you eat

Oh no you can't

Why not

(Pause)

Out

I thought I could stay here

Out!

(Pause)

Eat something

Ah, you think that's for my benefit

No, it's because I'm hungry

Then you realize-- these are for you

Maybe we'd better not, either of us, have something to eat right now

That was my idea from the beginning

Then how did the scrambled eggs come to be here

(Pause)

That's something you choose not to talk about

I see

That's from my point of view. But let's erase my point of view

I don't know how to do that

I'll help

How

See? You shouldn't depend on me like that. Here are some of your friends.

(Rings bell)

You remember Martha. She delivered the scrambled eggs. The one you don't remember is Maurice.

No. I don't remember him

Well, just actr friendly and it'll work out

(Long pause)

Didn't you tell me it would work out?

Is that what you remember?

Yes

Then it must be right

(She takes eggs)

Yes?

This is interesting. I felt the impulse to cry out-- come back with those scrambled eggs. But I fought the impulse. Now I have no idea if that was a bad thing to do or a good thing to doI have no name for this experience

Do try

Does someone else have a name for this experience

That doesn't count as trying

It's a first step

Is it?

I don't expect your verrification

Continue. You won't recieve my verrification

The problem isn't my problem, it's everybody's problem

What problem. What problem.

You can't get at it by asking what problem

What problem

Din't you hear me? Didn't you hear me say you can't get at it by asking what problem?

Here's the problem--

No, here's the problem. I talk to you.

(A 3rd person is in the room)

(A refusal to use my intelligence)The magic of the world no longer exists for me. So. What am I left with. The world

The entire world?

Yes

But doesn't the world include the magic of the world? Isn't that part of the world?

Yes. But it is not magic

What is it

It's the world

(Pause)

My position is, the world includes magic

Let's see

(Pause)

It's a matter of opinion

Quite

Therefore my opinion exists. So it's part of the world

Magic

Right. Magic

(Pause)

No magic

Right. No magicI was doing some excellent thinking. Then, I turned against it

Why

It improsioned me

What

My thinking

Was that your feeling about it

Yes

(Pause)

It was something other than my feeling about it. I was a powerful person

Now?

I escaped

How

I turned against my thinkingI know this isn't going to help

What

(Pause)

Whatever I do next isn't going to help you

Did I ask for help?

I think so

I think so tooDon't you want somebody to put out the fire

What fire

I see a fire

Where?

Well, I don't actually SEE it

What else

There's a fire

I don't want to believe you.

I bet you have a name

Do I?

Did somebody just say what name?

(Pause)

Why don't you give me a provate name

Then it wouldn't be private

Could we dance?

Could we give each other a kiss

Could we colaborate on a project that takes time

Could we try sports

Like hunting?

Is that a sport?

Could we collapse temporary furniture

Where would I sit

Could we get comfortable

Could we sign something

Like what

Could we exchange something that meant a lot to each of us

(Pause)

Here

What is this

A ring

Should I wear it

Oh no, you'd look funny in a ring

Why

I don't see you in a ring

(puts it on)

You think it looks funny?

Yes

Now I'll get my gift

(Pause)

What is it

Can't you see

It looks like a scissors

I use it a lot

Well, we might have different requirements

(Pause)

Probably I have more use for a scissors

I'm sure of it

Then it wasn't much of a gift

This wasn't either, unless I wear it.

You are wearing it

(Pause)

Well. . .yes

Multiple gifts

Multiple promises

Multiple miscalculations

Multipe new beginnings

Multiple choice,

Multiple choice

I saw a man, covered with roses. I saw blood, from the places on his flesh where the roses hurt. I saw music, transforming his face til the eyes rolled, and the teeth cut brilliantly, and the nostrils quivered like wind casting words through the branches of trees he clung to, climbing, climbing, and his voice was also roses, and his whole whirling self was a rose.

I saw a street in which ships sailed towards th ocean that evaded all understanding. I saw ships. I saw men turning into ships, sailing, evading the responsibility of life on dry land. I saw ships, twisting sideways, like a body under the blows of love. I saw rivers of love swept under my feet like a history I'd never fogotten, but couldn't keep hold of in my memory, so it sweptme into the ocean of which I was dreaming without dreams. I saw this, I heard this, I cried this through my own tears

I gave up hearing, I had seeing

I gave up seeing, I had tears

I saw a room in which a man imitated my face. Moving his mouth, he spoke when I spoke

Then it was you

(Pause)

He spoke, but I was unable to hear what he was saying. Was that me--?

Listen you yourself

Too late

(Pause)

Then it was you

As a matter of fact, I spent my whole life looking for a book which, reading but one page a day or less-- the material would fill or orient me in such a way that I was, each day . . .filled: or oriented

I suppose, in the past, for many people religious books such as the Bible or the Koran, or other scriptures.

Yes. But they didn't work for me. Those books

Well, if you call them books

(Pause)

Then I came to the realization I'd have to write such abook myself

(Pause)

But I couldn't. Untill I had an idea

What idea

I think I've told you in the past about my one experience of full consciousness. Should I remind you?

"One night, a situation in my private life brought me frustration. Nothing major, but frustration. And in irritation I threw myself down on my bed, with a feeling of giving up. At that moment, everything changed, as if a switch had been thrown, the basis of my consciousness changed. It was as if my head were replaced with a glass sphere perhaps six feet in diameter, and everything in the outside world was seen as tiny images on that sphere, but those images projected somehow from inside, as if their real source was inside me. And this was accompanied by a feeling of joy and light, and the sense that everything had been resolved once and for all, and there was nothing but completion and happiness in the world."

OK. I could write lines from that premise, or reflecting that premise, or somehow-- that quest

(Pause)

Here is the book. I'll read to you

"Where are you. Are you on the surface of that sphere that is the shape, projected by my head, that is invisible to me, but perceived to be a projection in real space that is an error of perception. I have no way of knowing about you except inside my head-- except there is no inside my head. The inside of my head is outside my head, travelling in a direction I can't fathom, which is towards me and away from me, all at once"

(Pause)

That covers what I wrote for the first page

How many have you written

I don't know yet

(Pause)

Would you like to watch me write another?

That doesn't seem very interesting to me

Please. Humor me. To be able to write while being observed-- seems to me an important test

All right

(Pause)

How long will it take

(Pause)

I can't do it

Should I leave the room

Please

(He goes, then other goes)

"Ah, look at this wonderful . . .room."The pain in me was placed on the walls surrounding me. ow. Since those were invisible walls, do we imagine the pain also, was invisible

(Pause)

Yes. It was invisible

Can it be touched

It can be touched from the outside, but it can't be touched from the inside

Are you located on the outside or on the inside

I can choose, but I have to learn how to choose

How

I don't know

Where do you learn

I don't know, but I have the suspicion that where I learn is called it hurts

(Pause)

Do it

(Pause)

Don't just look at me, do it please

Leave this room, please

(Both do)Is this help or is this a kind of torture

I didn't hear you the first time

There was no second time

Then I made a mistake

On purpose

(Pause)

I never know which of my mistakes are on purpose

You mean, an inner voice is guiding you

I don't give it a name

Maybe that's a mistake

If it is, I don't want to be told

You couldn't know if I was right

Oh, I always assume that

It's one of your better mistakes

Or else, it's one of YOUR better mistakes

Here--

(opens)

Wear this

(robe)

Does it help

It's a kind of turture

You mean it hurts?

Then why is it a kind of torture

I said, a kind of torture

What kind

(Pause)

That was one of my mistakes

Then it isn't torture at all

A kind of productive torture

(Pause)

Think about it, meaning this-- do I attract more of your attention?

Isn't it a little more intense?

Maybe

Let's say-- I wilt under this intense scrutiny

In that case, I'll offer to take back the robe

Why not

I want you to find out more about me

Why

Just like that

(Pause)

No-- it fuels me

I have no questions to ask you

So I gather. That's why this robe was such an excellent idea

It makes you seem. . .

Yes--?

Well-- substantial

Please. No such wisdom

Really?

I've come to a point in my life, after years spent mining nuggets of wisdom

I know

You know?

I had that feeling

(Pause)

After years mining nuggets of wisdom, I say no more wisdom.

It was written.

As opposed to

I didn't say

I know. Not yet

You won't pull it out of me. That's why I like this robe

Why

I can sort of wrap it around myself

I want to hear-- why no more wisdom. Why would anybody reject wisdom

Its a distraction

A vanity

No-- a distraction

From what

We don't know yes, do we.

(Pause)

Do you remember somebody saying-- I didn't hear you the first time

Yes

And there was only a first time

Yes

There was a distraction, or an attempt at distraction, as always. That's what I reject

You said you reject wisdom

That also

But you didn't reject the robe

(Pause)

I can sort of wrap it around meWhy would somebody reject wisdom. Because wisdom, gives the illusion, of wisdom

Suppose it's really wisdom

But don't you see-- it never is

Never

Never. Never

How can you be so sure

That's up to me, isn't it

(Both exit)

Oh voice. Oh voice.

He was tired. He hurt, that is, there was an ache in his very limbs

When a voice escaped him, he knew it was not for long. That said thing would return and reassert its truth.

The long afternoon was a gift, not through its length but through the fact it would end. He used every trick available to make it yield up some truth. The page flew under his hand, oh-- flew away from him?

He nailed something to his wall. The hammer was in his hand, and relaity was someplace else. Oh, said Marie-- where is reality if not in this hammer. But she needn't have been afraid. He knew she was not genuinely afraid.

He opened his eyes and saw he inhabited the city of his dreams. He opened his eyes-- that was said-- and at the same time he looked out the window. This was reality.

(This or reverse order of paragraphs)Please help

(Pause)

This isn't wehat you want

Yes. I want you to stand beside me. In a metaphorical sense, to support me.

(Pause)

This isn't what you want.

Nothing works. Nothing sustains me. But I am happy. This is no contradiction.

I didn't say it was

No, you didn't say anything

Come again?

Could I be quiet for a moment?

I thought you perpetually were

Quiet

Yes

You were right

Wait a minute-- which of us began talking

The talking

(PAUSE)

Right. The 'talking'.

Please open your heart to me

I just did

(Pause)

I certainly don't know how to deal with that

Could I offer you one of my favorite objects

Which one

Well-- this book

(Given, it falls apart)

It fell apart on me

You can still read it by picking up independent pages

Actually, it's a book I've read

What kind of effect did it have on you

It entertained me

Is that all

Yes. But if I were to re-read it, the effect might be different

That's why it's my favorite

I thought it was perhaps a favorite because it fell apart when you picked it up.

No. It fell apart when it went from my hands to yours

(Pause)

I didn't know what to expect

You still haven't collected the pages

(Bend)

No don't. Leave them there

Then you don't want me to read it after all

You're right. Its as an object its my favorite, not as a book

I've read it

I haven't

It passes the time.Now that I am here to minister to you, I have to think about changing my own life

I didn't know you were here to minister to me

I am

How

I don't know yet

How did this task get assigned to you

(Pause)

This may be hard to believe, but I woke up and I knew

Why me?

(pause)

Is it because you are physically attracted to me, and yet you understand that I am not available to you?

Why don't we say, it's because I am spiritually attracted to you and I know you are not available

What's the difference

I'm out of my league

In what sense

(Pause)

You are so much stronger, so much more dominant

I hardly think that

--In my universe.

How is that different from my universe

It just is

(Pause)

Of course, in a sense I know what you're talking about.

(pause)

I'd like to be alone

Be exact. Say that what you'd really like is not so much to be alone, as to be releaved of my presence

That's true. Your attitude towards me is oppressive

Tha's OK

That's not OK

(Exits)

(pause)

Ah. This is my throne

(Sit, music rise, sleep)There is so much you could teach me if you tried

I have tried

Your example could teach me more than what youe you consciously could teach

(Pause)

I could be totally cartured by your example

(Pause)

Captured

That's the word I would use

(Sits back)

OK. I captured you

No, I say you could.

How

(Pause)

Try being more mysterious. Let the mysteriousness in you be there, without being controlled by all the things you understand or believe in. Just let the mysteriousness come to the surface.

(Pause)

That sounds like a plan of action you could put into practice without my presence; something you could do all by yourself.

No. I'd need you or somebody like you to be the example.

Why

I don't know why. All I know is that the mysteriousness in me doesn't help me. I can't see it-- I can let it out into the world, but then it doesn't effect me. But if it comes through somebody else, and I'm captured by it-- then I'm completely learning something

Well, I'll bear that in mind

Are you serious?

Yes. I'm serious

(Pause)

I'll try to change the way in which I perceive you

How

I'll try to perceive the mysteriousness in you

Then it's something we'll be doing together

Yes.

This is normal

What is

(Pause)

This is normal, that what's happening in the streets outside this room is only imaginary

I disagree. It's not imaginary

(Pause)

This is normal

I agree

(Lifts glass)

See this? It goes down in one swallow. This is normal

Can I refill your glass?

Thank you for being polite

This is normal

Yes, this is normal

(Pause)

Coming here every day as I do, I can say-- this is normalWhen no words want to pour forth from inside me-- yet nevertheless, I want to be in speaking-- as if one might say-- I want to be in china, or I want to be in the country

(Pause)

So. I want to be in speaking. But I have nothing to say.

(Pause)

As you can tell, and I'm sure you feel the same way, idle conversation won't satisfy me

I understand

Maybe if I read something from a book--

I think it'll be hard for you to find something that fills you

Yes

(Pause)

There are too many books, after all

In a similar sense, are there too many people

Yes

Tell me about it

Ah, and that done, I'm tricked into speaking

(Pause)

There are too many people because, if there were just one person, that one person would be God, ie-- complete. But since there are so many, a splintering of the one into the million parts means each millionth part holds only a millionth part of the whole; and a millionth part is--well, not very much. Which is why there are too many people. As well as too many books.

(Pause)

Instead of the complete book, or the complete person. A million splinters.

(Pause)

Those words didn't really want to come out of me, they were tricked out of me.

But you said that you did want to be in speaking

Yes

Like being in China

Or being in the country

Yes

(Pause)

It's better to be silent if you have nothing to say

What makes one have something to say

(Pause)

Well, having somthing to say

(Pause)

Next step. If you have nothing to say, is that having something to say

I suppose it is

It's brief

Having nothing to say could be brief

(Pause, laughs)

How brief would it have to be until it turns into nothing to say?

(Pause)

There's no answer

(Pause)

Is this where I'll be for a long time?

This physical location?

You understand

Having nothing to say

Yes

(Pause)

Actually, it won't last

I have the feeling it will

When you're inside it, it feels like that. Then it changes

What changes it

A surprise

Something you planned?

Oh no. Not my surprise. Just a surprise. Count on it.

That sounds like taking the easy way out

It is

(Pause)

I'd rather not take the eary way out

Why not

(Pause, laughs)

Is this a moral position

What is it then

Just a matter of preference

That's certainly having something to say-- if you have a preference

Ah, you surprised me

No. Not on purpose

Wasn't that the point?

What

Not on purpose! Surprise!

(Pause)

Well, you see I had something to say after all

I knew you did, it was myself who didn't

Surprise

You mean, did I after all? I'm not sure. I'm not sure

You're not sure what's been happening?

I know-- I've been speaking

Right. It's been a conversation

I'm not sure a conversation is what I mean when I refer to having something to say. In fact, I'm sure it isn't

(Other exits)

Well, two cab play that game.

(Exits)In some other place, I have more reality than in this place

Let me give you something

What

(Taken)

A robe

Wear it

Why

Wear it

(Pause)

Are you under the impression that by wearing it, I'll be giving myself more reality?

Let me be the judge

(Pause)

My sense of reality is inner

(Robe on)

I'll repeat myself. I have more reality in some other place than in this place

(Pause)

It doesn't work?

Wearing this in front of yougives me less a sense of reality

Then you had more reality before you put it on

Yes

Apply that

Quite true, I've been wearing-- in the widest sense of the term-- wearing a particular suit of reality that drains my sense of reality.

(Pause)

Stripping myself of that offeding suit is in no way easy to figure out

Start by giving back the robe

(Gathering it about the body)

Oh no

(Pause)

That's strange

Am I attached to it-- or do I relish it for giving me a particular sense of lucidity concerning my condition

What good does that do

(Pause)

Let's say-- it's another level of reality

Where are we then?

(Pause)

No place

OK-- now I don't need it

(Off, back in drawer)

It's still there, if you need it

Not right now, thank you.The sadness of the world is like roses

That sounds profound, but it isn't

The sadness of the world is like roses. I like saying that.

Really?

(in trance)

What do you see

I see roses. I see this room, filled with roses

Is that a sign?

I'm not claiming anything of the sort.

Roses

(Both)

Roses, roses!

Let's start with the basics. You've lost the ability to have feelings

Not true

Oh, you can respond with major emotion to major trauma. But I'm talking about something different.

what

Feelings

About what

Feelings about things that normally don't give one feelings

Why should I have feelings about things like that

Because you've lost the ability.

(Pause)

No I haven't. I can have feelings I don't even know I'm having

Really?

Yes.

How many of us does it take to change things completely.

Answer. One person is enough

What part of the universe doesn't exist? Those parts that are not my parts.

Now-- to prove the efficacy of my cure, I will now act-- well, non-insane. I will compose myself. Done. I return, or seem to, to the human race!!!Did you really recognize me from previous experience?

I did not

Hey-- let's cool out

What does that mean?

_ _ _ _ _ _

Let's say I went into a bar and saw you sitting at a table, and sat down next to you

Did you really.

And let's say you forced me to drink

How could I do that

(Pause)

Would I recognize you later?

I don't think anybody could force you to drink

Is the power of suggestion was strong enough

How strong

So so

Well, in that case let's make an experiment

Let's say-- I am one very cool customer

Then you wouldn't drink

Oh, but I might drink this if the lable really appealed to me

Do you trust everything you read?

Let's just suppose the label said "I am very good to drink"

Try it

You said you were suggestable

I picked up other suggestions from other times and places

To believe in myself, I have to toss caution to the wind, I suppose

Was that my idea?

Did I say that was my idea?

Let's see if you believe in yourself

(Pause)

I don't know how to toss caution to the wind. I don't have the propensity to that kind of violence

Oh no, it isn't violence that's required

Then I really don't understand

Get undressed

Now?

Yes

(Pause)

Well, there's a kind of arogance in that too, isn't there

That must be your idea, because it certainly isn't my idea

Wait a minute. I mistook you for somebody else

How is that possible?

I don't mean to be insulting

(Pause)

Well, my heart is broken

Why

I think that's a desirable condition

Why

(Pause)

It produces a kind of lucidity

A broken heart?

Yes

I don't even want to know about it

Don't worry

See-- that's the volcano I was talking about

(Pause)

OK. I believe in myself

I thought so

Thanks to you

Tossing caution to the wind?

Yes

(Pause)

I sense it

Good/

I pick up the vibrations

GoodMy brain has been damaged by my life. That's why I'm not a good conversationalist

What do you mean, your brain has been damaged

Life has twisted it out of shape

But you don't seem stupid

Oh I am, believe me

The problem isn't my problem, it's everybody's problem

What problem. What problem.

You can't get at it by asking what problem

What problem

Din't you hear me? Didn't you hear me say you can't get at it by asking what problem?

Here's the problem--

No, here's the problem. I talk to you.

(A 3rd person is in the room)

(A refusal to use my intelligence)The magic of the world no longer exists for me. So. What am I left with. The world

The entire world?

Yes

But doesn't the world include the magic of the world? Isn't that part of the world?

Yes. But it is not magic

What is it

It's the world

(Pause)

My position is, the world includes magic

Let's see

(Pause)

It's a matter of opinion

Quite

Therefore my opinion exists. So it's part of the world

Magic

Right. Magic

(Pause)

No magic

Right. No magicI was doing some excellent thinking. Then, I turned against it

Why

It improsioned me

What

My thinking

Was that your feeling about it

Yes

(Pause)

It was something other than my feeling about it. I was a powerful person

Now?

I escaped

How

I turned against my thinking

I suppose, in the past, for many people religious books such as the Bible or the Koran, or other scriptures.

Yes. But they didn't work for me. Those books

Well, if you call them books

(Pause)

Then I came to the realization I'd have to write such abook myself

(Pause)

But I couldn't. Untill I had an idea

What idea

I think I've told you in the past about my one experience of full consciousness. Should I remind you?

OK. I could write lines from that premise, or reflecting that premise, or somehow-- that quest

(Pause)

Here is the book. I'll read to you

(Pause)

That covers what I wrote for the first page

How many have you written

I don't know yet

(Pause)

Would you like to watch me write another?

That doesn't seem very interesting to me

Please. Humor me. To be able to write while being observed-- seems to me an important test

All right

(Pause)

How long will it take

(Pause)

I can't do it

Should I leave the room

Please

(He goes, then other goes)

"Ah, look at this wonderful . . .room."Is this help or is this a kind of torture

I didn't hear you the first time

There was no second time

Then I made a mistake

On purpose

(Pause)

I never know which of my mistakes are on purpose

You mean, an inner voice is guiding you

I don't give it a name

Maybe that's a mistake

If it is, I don't want to be told

You couldn't know if I was right

Oh, I always assume that

It's one of your better mistakes

Or else, it's one of YOUR better mistakes

Here--

(opens)

Wear this

(robe)

Does it help

It's a kind of turture

You mean it hurts?

Then why is it a kind of torture

I said, a kind of torture

What kind

(Pause)

That was one of my mistakes

Then it isn't torture at all

A kind of productive torture

(Pause)

Think about it, meaning this-- do I attract more of your attention?

Isn't it a little more intense?

Maybe

Let's say-- I wilt under this intense scrutiny

In that case, I'll offer to take back the robe

Why not

I want you to find out more about me

Why

Just like that

(Pause)

No-- it fuels me

I have no questions to ask you

So I gather. That's why this robe was such an excellent idea

It makes you seem. . .

Yes--?

Well-- substantial

Please. No such wisdom

Really?

I've come to a point in my life, after years spent mining nuggets of wisdom

I know

You know?

I had that feeling

(Pause)

After years mining nuggets of wisdom, I say no more wisdom.

It was written.

As opposed to

I didn't say

I know. Not yet

You won't pull it out of me. That's why I like this robe

Why

I can sort of wrap it around myself

I want to hear-- why no more wisdom. Why would anybody reject wisdom

Its a distraction

A vanity

No-- a distraction

From what

We don't know yes, do we.

(Pause)

Do you remember somebody saying-- I didn't hear you the first time

Yes

And there was only a first time

Yes

There was a distraction, or an attempt at distraction, as always. That's what I reject

You said you reject wisdom

That also

But you didn't reject the robe

(Pause)

I can sort of wrap it around meWhy would somebody reject wisdom. Because wisdom, gives the illusion, of wisdom

Suppose it's really wisdom

But don't you see-- it never is

Never

Never. Never

How can you be so sure

That's up to me, isn't it

(Both exit)Please help

(Pause)

This isn't wehat you want

Yes. I want you to stand beside me. In a metaphorical sense, to support me.

(Pause)

This isn't what you want.

Nothing works. Nothing sustains me. But I am happy. This is no contradiction.

I didn't say it was

No, you didn't say anything

Come again?

Could I be quiet for a moment?

I thought you perpetually were

Quiet

Yes

You were right

Wait a minute-- which of us began talking

The talking

(PAUSE)

Right. The 'talking'.

Please open your heart to me

I just did

(Pause)

I certainly don't know how to deal with that

Could I offer you one of my favorite objects

Which one

Well-- this book

(Given, it falls apart)

It fell apart on me

You can still read it by picking up independent pages

Actually, it's a book I've read

What kind of effect did it have on you

It entertained me

Is that all

Yes. But if I were to re-read it, the effect might be different

That's why it's my favorite

I thought it was perhaps a favorite because it fell apart when you picked it up.

No. It fell apart when it went from my hands to yours

(Pause)

I didn't know what to expect

You still haven't collected the pages

(Bend)

No don't. Leave them there

Then you don't want me to read it after all

You're right. Its as an object its my favorite, not as a book

I've read it

I haven't

It passes the time.Now that I am here to minister to you, I have to think about changing my own life

I didn't know you were here to minister to me

I am

How

I don't know yet

How did this task get assigned to you

(Pause)

This may be hard to believe, but I woke up and I knew

Why me?

(pause)

Is it because you are physically attracted to me, and yet you understand that I am not available to you?

Why don't we say, it's because I am spiritually attracted to you and I know you are not available

What's the difference

I'm out of my league

In what sense

(Pause)

You are so much stronger, so much more dominant

I hardly think that

--In my universe.

How is that different from my universe

It just is

(Pause)

Of course, in a sense I know what you're talking about.

(pause)

I'd like to be alone

Be exact. Say that what you'd really like is not so much to be alone, as to be releaved of my presence

That's true. Your attitude towards me is oppressive

Tha's OK

That's not OK

(Exits)

(pause)

Ah. This is my throne

(Sit, music rise, sleep)There is so much you could teach me if you tried

I have tried

Your example could teach me more than what youe you consciously could teach

(Pause)

I could be totally cartured by your example

(Pause)

Captured

That's the word I would use

(Sits back)

OK. I captured you

No, I say you could.

How

(Pause)

Try being more mysterious. Let the mysteriousness in you be there, without being controlled by all the things you understand or believe in. Just let the mysteriousness come to the surface.

(Pause)

That sounds like a plan of action you could put into practice without my presence; something you could do all by yourself.

No. I'd need you or somebody like you to be the example.

Why

Well, I'll bear that in mind

Are you serious?

Yes. I'm serious

(Pause)

I'll try to change the way in which I perceive you

How

I'll try to perceive the mysteriousness in you

Then it's something we'll be doing together

Yes.

This is normal

What is

(Pause)

This is normal, that what's happening in the streets outside this room is only imaginary

I disagree. It's not imaginary

(Pause)

This is normal

I agree

(Lifts glass)

See this? It goes down in one swallow. This is normal

Can I refill your glass?

Thank you for being polite

This is normal

Yes, this is normal

(Pause)

So. I want to be in speaking. But I have nothing to say.

(Pause)

As you can tell, and I'm sure you feel the same way, idle conversation won't satisfy me

I understand

Maybe if I read something from a book--

I think it'll be hard for you to find something that fills you

Yes

(Pause)

There are too many books, after all

In a similar sense, are there too many people

Yes

Tell me about it

Ah, and that done, I'm tricked into speaking

(Pause)

Instead of the complete book, or the complete person. A million splinters.

(Pause)

Those words didn't really want to come out of me, they were tricked out of me.

But you said that you did want to be in speaking

Yes

Like being in China

Or being in the country

Yes

(Pause)

It's better to be silent if you have nothing to say

What makes one have something to say

(Pause)

Well, having somthing to say

(Pause)

Next step. If you have nothing to say, is that having something to say

I suppose it is

It's brief

Having nothing to say could be brief

(Pause, laughs)

How brief would it have to be until it turns into nothing to say?

(Pause)

There's no answer

(Pause)

Is this where I'll be for a long time?

This physical location?

You understand

Having nothing to say

Yes

(Pause)

Actually, it won't last

I have the feeling it will

When you're inside it, it feels like that. Then it changes

What changes it

A surprise

Something you planned?

Oh no. Not my surprise. Just a surprise. Count on it.

That sounds like taking the easy way out

It is

(Pause)

I'd rather not take the eary way out

Why not

(Pause, laughs)

Is this a moral position

What is it then

Just a matter of preference

That's certainly having something to say-- if you have a preference

Ah, you surprised me

No. Not on purpose

Wasn't that the point?

What

Not on purpose! Surprise!

(Pause)

Well, you see I had something to say after all

I knew you did, it was myself who didn't

Surprise

You mean, did I after all? I'm not sure. I'm not sure

You're not sure what's been happening?

I know-- I've been speaking

Right. It's been a conversation

I'm not sure a conversation is what I mean when I refer to having something to say. In fact, I'm sure it isn't

(Other exits)

Well, two cab play that game.

(Exits)In some other place, I have more reality than in this place

Let me give you something

What

(Taken)

A robe

Wear it

Why

Wear it

(Pause)

Are you under the impression that by wearing it, I'll be giving myself more reality?

Let me be the judge

(Pause)

My sense of reality is inner

(Robe on)

I'll repeat myself. I have more reality in some other place than in this place

(Pause)

It doesn't work?

Wearing this in front of yougives me less a sense of reality

Then you had more reality before you put it on

Yes

Apply that

Quite true, I've been wearing-- in the widest sense of the term-- wearing a particular suit of reality that drains my sense of reality.

(Pause)

Stripping myself of that offeding suit is in no way easy to figure out

Start by giving back the robe

(Gathering it about the body)

Oh no

(Pause)

That's strange

Am I attached to it-- or do I relish it for giving me a particular sense of lucidity concerning my condition

What good does that do

(Pause)

Let's say-- it's another level of reality

Where are we then?

(Pause)

No place

OK-- now I don't need it

(Off, back in drawer)

It's still there, if you need it

Not right now, thank you.